1. He sounds like a cross between a Scottish person and a Canadian, well sometimes.
My husband is from the Northern part of Scotland. He loves to demonstrate his accent by saying the following phrase:
There’s a moose loose aboot the hoose. (Yes, say it like it’s written.) The translation:
There’s a mouse loose in the house.
2. You can’t understand him after he has been on the phone with one of his parents
In Scotland I plainly recall sitting in a room full of people chattering away about bairns, puddings, and being quizzed about my surname from his Dad. Who, incidentally, roared out “SHE’S ENGLISH!!!” when I told him my last name was Archer. However, more than anything I remember sitting in a room of Scots and trying to work my way through their slang and hearing the word AYE AYE AYE popping up like the seagulls yelled MINE MINE MINE in Finding Nemo. In fact, I’m pretty sure AYE was just about the only word I understood my whole trip. Ok, I’m exaggerating. Mostly. However, when he gets off of the phone with one of his parents, he instantly reverts to the fast talking Scottish slang dude.
3. People eavesdrop on our conversations in restaurants because of his accent
RUDE! I know we live in small town Arkansas, but seriously, have you never seen Braveheart? Can I please eat my dinner without you and your dining partner staring at me through our whole meal? You’re more likely to understand me trying to wipe away whatever it is I dropped on my boobs than what he’s saying anyway, so STOP STARING! Unless you’re staring at my boobs, then we’re cool.
4. You cannot grocery shop without someone stopping him and asking him about his accent
My primary goal when shopping is to get in and out as fast as humanly possible. I hate grocery shopping. I really hate it even more when the AWESOME Southern hospitality, nosiness, and Bless Your Heart time happens when I am in Kroger. Please, for the love of what little sanity I have left, stop pretending like the dang grocery store is the set of the Dating Game. You don’t get to ask him 10 questions, I just need some milk and bread!
5. You’re willing to pay INSANE prices for something in the International aisle of the grocery store, just so he can have a taste of home
Custard mixes, drinks, digestive biscuits, treacle pudding and candy. I’m not even going to tell you what these cost, let’s just say they’re a treat when they happen and THANK GOD for his mother who sends him care packages pretty often!
6. You never have to worry about your in-laws dropping in
Speaking of in-laws. Do you have any idea how weird it is to have your in-laws living 3,000 miles away? Seriously, it’s weird. There is an OCEAN in between us.
7. Healthcare and gas prices
Scotland has universal healthcare and he paid next to nothing for medical care in Scotland. Any time we get a medical bill the tirade begins! I am also constantly reminded that the gas prices in Scotland are only raised once a year and “Why he can’t understand the way we change gas prices so much.” I’m just going to say with the gas prices in Scotland currently at an estimated $9.42 a gallon, I am happy to dealing with a $.05-$.10 change in gas prices here.
8. Chocolate and Sausage
Scottish chocolate is just better and apparently we Americans are “too daft” to know the difference. Apparently, sausage is on the mandatory eating list in Scotland as well, our sausage is just full of nasty sage, and he can’t wait to go to Scotland and have a “proper” sausage. Can I point out the obvious here? Sau SAGE…who’s daft now?
9. When you go to Scotland people stop and stare at you for your accent
Southern Scotland, near Edinburgh (pronounced Ed-in-Brrrrahhhh, not Ed-in BURG you silly Americans) has a completely different accent than my husbands. I actually had a back and forth semi-silly argument with a cabbie about a train station called:
Translated to Scottish: Greeeeeeeeeemston Station
Oddly enough, on my way back home, I was followed around by an English mother and son on the train back to Manchester, England who happened to ask me if I knew if our train was the correct one. When I answered “I really hope so!” they FLIPPED out because I am American. For the record, no one in Scotland knows where Arkansas is, but if you tell them it’s next to Texas they will have a general idea. Ha! They sat near me on the train, but not close enough to talk, but I kept catching them staring at me any time I talked the whole way back to the airport. It was WEIRD. They also told me I sound nothing like people in the movies…lol! I told them to watch Sweet Home Alabama and see if that sounded more like me.
10. Kilts and Sporrans
A Sporran is not a “man purse”. Apparently, this is not funny at all.
However, when someone asks “What’s worn under a kilt?” my husband thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to say “Nothing, everything is in perfect working order.”
P.S. Most of this is just me teasing my husband. It’s AWESOME being married to a Scottish man.