I’m OK With Not Being a Mom…Most Days

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Ok with MomThere have been times in my life when infertility has been a destructive force.  The longer it has been a part of my life, almost 15 years now, the more I have changed and adapted to accept the simple fact that I will likely never give birth to a child of my own.  As I get older, almost 36 now, the more I realize that I am getting to that age when the clock really starts ticking down and for some reason the grief over infertility is popping up here and there again.  I’ve noticed it more in the last 6 months than I have in a few years.

The first time I really noticed it again was Christmas 2013.  As a family we were celebrating later in the afternoon.  My husband works in the care industry and I took him to work that morning at 6 am.  When I returned home, I logged into Facebook to look at the early morning Christmas photos and to make the Merry Christmas post rounds.  I was generally in a good place when I logged in, and not so much when I logged out.

Maybe it was because I was sitting alone on Christmas morning for the first time in my life.  Maybe it was because I saw hundreds of photos of children.  Maybe it was the joy on the faces of children across the world and missing those days of my own childhood when nothing was more AMAZING than waking up to see what Santa left behind.  Maybe it was because my brother and sister-in-law had also recently decided to take a break from fertility treatments and I was forced to give up hope of children in my immediate family.

You see, I love history.  I love genealogy and learning about where we came from and who we are.  I love knowing that when you play a small part in the big picture of the universe, somehow and some way, even though you’re gone, a legacy is left behind.  Infertility breaks down that legacy.  It’s gone.  When I die, there is no more of me in the world.  If my brother and his wife permanently give up fertility treatments, both lines of our family, Mom and Dad will end.  There will be a branch of the family tree that just stops.  It’s a pretty sobering thought isn’t it?

Mother’s Day is another day that hurts a bit.  While most people consider it a wonderful celebration and time to honor the woman on the planet who deserves it the most, I consider it a yearly reminder that my body failed me.  I see all of the Facebook photos of cute gifts their children gave them , and read a few sad posts from people who struggle with the grief of losing their mothers on this day.  It doesn’t make me angry, but it stings a bit.

To be completely truthful, most days I am OK with not being a Mom.  I don’t have to worry about my house being spotless 24/7 because a toddler is going to find that one random thing in the floor that just might cause a trip to the emergency room.  I don’t have to baby proof.  I can go to a movie at midnight if I want to, and I don’t have to pay someone to come and watch the fur babies in the middle of the night.  When my “kids” annoy me while I am doing something else, a simple finger point and “go to YOUR BED” means I get the peace and quiet so many moms crave.  I don’t get the your kid is sick come and pick them up phone call and I don’t get all those crappy little bugs and viruses in my house that they pick up at school.  I can sleep in on the weekends and if I want a bowl of Lucky Charms cereal I can have it without sharing!  I can be selfish and imperfect at home without wondering if it is going to traumatize another human being.  I have more freedom than moms.  That glass of wine and a hot bath most moms crave, I can have it when I want it.

So, it’s rough a few days a year.  Moms have it rough every day of the year, so I guess I’ll suck it up and be OK with not having kids…most days.

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Author: Jill Stewart

I am a 37 -year-old woman from Arkansas who is happily married to a Scottish immigrant aka “the hubby” “the hubs” or if I am calling him directly “YO YOU!” We’ve been married for 3 years and it’s been a crazy ride, and unfortunately our finances have been beat to death in the last few years. We have two dogs and a cat, no kids. The Blog- What’ll you find: Financial Information as we try to become debt free My attempts at working and trying to maintain a home to the standards I like My adventures in learning how to sew Arts and craft projects Funny tidbits from my life including living with a Scottish person, the dogs, and other oddball things that happen to me. What you won’t find: Much on children. I don’t have kids and I can’t have kids. Recipes- I don’t mind cooking, but unless it’s something really special, don’t come here looking for the weekly recipe! You won’t find it- unless you ask my husband. If you’re interested in what you see, please follow me on Facebook or sign up for emails! Most of all, leave a comment or ask a question! I am always happy to hear from you!

9 thoughts on “I’m OK With Not Being a Mom…Most Days

  1. You write so eloquently and passionately about a topic that is clearly very tormenting. Keep strong and i hope it all turns out well at the end.

    • Thank you very much and thank you for coming by.

      It’s always funny to me how the posts you don’t always plan end up being some of the posts that resonate well with others. Maybe not planning it is what let’s your guard down just enough to be completely honest.

      • I think that makes it more organic. When i plan a post you worry so much about it being perfect you can lose the essence and comes across as forced out. Your stories are really great. You said a friend advised you to shorten them. I guess you can still save the longer versions and maybe someday use them as the basis for a novel or even collection of short stories? And i am glad i stopped by 🙂 keep up the great work.

      • Thank you again! I appreciate your advice and encouragement. I don’t know if I am going to shorten them or not!

  2. Sorry Or maybe i assumed i read that.. That is what happens when you attempt to read at 3am what i meant was that you can’t find a niche .. Maybe you already did. I am sure your stories and journey through infertility resonates with alot of people. And i am sure you write from the heart (pains and personal) when you talk about it. But again if your interests are varied write about whatever it is and as readers i’m sure we’ll be able to sense the passion coming through your words as i did tonight. I think i need to stop blabbing on and go to sleep.

  3. Few years back, bird sparrow can’t become mother. Her egg never broke and she felt bad about herself. The problem was with the mobile tower radiations that caused trouble. So, do sparrow will know it? She will curse herself.
    With no sparrow, insects started growing. Sparrows used to eat such insects. So, the poor farmer started using high dose of pesticides. With high pesticides dose in food chain, people getting health troubles. Many don’t know about it. Doctors don’t care for finding the cause.
    One of the problem with pesticides is infertility in woman….Do you know it?

    • Yes, pesticides can cause infertility issues. However, my particular issue has been linked to a genetic problem and not an environmental issue.

      Thank you for stopping by! It’s nice to see a few new faces!

  4. Thank you for sharing so candidly from your heart.

    I pray that your story will touch and inspire someone else who is walking along this same road and feeling as if they’re all alone!

    • It’s an adjustment at first, but over time you get used to it. It’s just a part of who I am now. I’ve moved past most of it to the point that I can share it candidly. 10 years ago or so would have been another story! Hahha!

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