Marriage is Hard? I Beg to Differ…

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There are times when I see the phrases “Marriage is hard” or “Marriage is work” and I honestly want to scream at whoever typed it “NO, IT’S NOT!!!”

Marriage is Hard Work

I scoured the internet looking for a set of “standard” marriage vows.  I found these and in finding them, I discovered why people should STOP saying “Marriage is hard and/or work”.  Here is the direct quote from those vows:

“I would ask that you both remember to treat yourself and each other with dignity and respect; to remind yourself often of what brought you together today.

Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness that your marriage deserves.

When frustration and difficulty assail your marriage – as these do to every relationship at one time or another – focus on what still seems right between you, not only the part that seems wrong. This way, when clouds of trouble hide the sun in your lives and you lose sight of it for a moment, you can remember that the sun is still there.

And if each of you will take responsibility for the quality of your life together, it will be marked by abundance and delight.”

I’ve been in two marriages.  One ended badly and the other is currently the most amazing marriage I could have hoped to ever have.  I have always said I have no regrets in life, but if there was one thing I could change and guarantee I would still be married to my current husband, it’s that I would have waited for HIM to be the one and only.  Bad marriages are work.  Good marriages are not.

Marriage #1- Everyday the ex made his breakfast and carried it to work.  Everyday he left a paper towel on the counter.  It’s not a big deal right?  It’s a paper towel.  It was a big damn deal to me.  After politely asking him to throw it in the trash when he left for work for a few weeks, that paper towel started to become a symbol of disrespect.  After asking again for him to throw it away as he left for work and walked RIGHT BY the trash can, it became a symbol of disrespect and anger.  It continued and over time my resentment of a paper towel became a MAJOR issue, because it wasn’t about the paper towel, it was about respect.  When I asked him why he kept doing it he said to me, “I don’t see what the big damn deal is.”  He made ZERO effort to respect me.  It wasn’t a “big damn deal” to him.

Marriage #2- Hubby leaves the cabinet doors open.  If I ask my hubby to please try and remember to close the cabinet doors, he laughs at me and threatens to open them all just to annoy me.  At this point, I usually crack a joke like “you have to sleep sometime”, we both laugh and move on.  We PLAY together. Then he shuts the cabinet doors and tries to remember to keep them shut.  I don’t feel angry and I am not resentful of his behavior.

The difference is there is not an open cabinet in my face pissing me off every morning.  My husband makes an effort to keep me happy.  I make an effort to keep him happy by not nagging on the occasion that he does leave the cabinets open.  It’s give and take, compromise, but it’s not work and it’s not hard when you’re laughing together; in other words, having abundance and delight in each other.

Responsibility for the quality of our lives together.  This one is probably the easiest to achieve.  We both have passwords to all online accounts of the other person.  We both have the ability to check any of those accounts at any time because we’ve both been cheated on in the past.  We call or text each other if we’re going to be late.  If he needs soda and I am on my way home for work I stop and get it.  Why?  It makes him happy.  Even if I would rather cut off my fingers than run into the grocery store, I DO IT.  If he’s on his way to the kitchen, he never leaves the room without asking if I need anything and vice versa.  If we do happen to get angry with each other, we apologize, even if we are the “right” person in the argument.  We always hug afterwards.  We always ask “how was your day” and listen to the answers.  We always make time for each other because in our marriage the other person is the most important person.

Perhaps, we should stop spreading this lie to our new generations that marriage is hard.  Perhaps, we should start teaching them more about responsibility, courtesy and honesty.  We might hope they’ll wait for the person who makes marriage easy, delightful and a joy.  I hope that one day people recite their wedding vows and realize the words hard and work are not there.  Doesn’t that tell you something?

Do you think marriage is hard/work? Do you think the ease or difficulty of marriage comes with responsibility for your role in the marriage?

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Author: Jill Stewart

I am a 37 -year-old woman from Arkansas who is happily married to a Scottish immigrant aka “the hubby” “the hubs” or if I am calling him directly “YO YOU!” We’ve been married for 3 years and it’s been a crazy ride, and unfortunately our finances have been beat to death in the last few years. We have two dogs and a cat, no kids. The Blog- What’ll you find: Financial Information as we try to become debt free My attempts at working and trying to maintain a home to the standards I like My adventures in learning how to sew Arts and craft projects Funny tidbits from my life including living with a Scottish person, the dogs, and other oddball things that happen to me. What you won’t find: Much on children. I don’t have kids and I can’t have kids. Recipes- I don’t mind cooking, but unless it’s something really special, don’t come here looking for the weekly recipe! You won’t find it- unless you ask my husband. If you’re interested in what you see, please follow me on Facebook or sign up for emails! Most of all, leave a comment or ask a question! I am always happy to hear from you!

13 thoughts on “Marriage is Hard? I Beg to Differ…

  1. Most work is not “fun” 100% of the time, and yes sometimes it’s not EASY but for the most part it’s not the nightmare others make it out to be. A partner is someone you pick to be your family; family is not perfect, not always fun and not always easy but they are family because you love each other enough to see past the “hard” and you would much rather have them by your side endlessly than spend any time alone.
    Nice conversation starter 😉

  2. Ok I’m a little worried right now. I’m beginning to think we are more a like then I initially thought. I have a post about marriage saved in my drafts as I type this… I don’t normally hold on to post but this one required a little more thought. Anywho…

    A good marriage is definitely not as much work as a bad one. But I do believe that staying “in love” with someone is a little bit of work. Its easy to become “roomates” and that’s not sexy. I believe that keeping the heat in a marriage does take some work especially when life gets a little hectic.

  3. I married my high school sweetheart at age 19 (both of us). We were married from February 29, 1964 until June 8, 2011, when he died. I love him still. Whoever provided a meal was always thanked and sometimes complimented. No matter what we each did, we thought of the other before the decision was made. I loved to quilt, he loved to write and do research on the computer. He sat patiently waited in the car or on a bench watching people go by while I shopped for fabric. I patiently waited in the car or looked around the computer store while he shopped. Some of our best discussions were in the truck as we travelled with our fifth-wheel following. We were (I am) Christian and followed Jesus with prayer and kindness for others. Our two daughters, five grandchildren, and three living great-grandchildren make me smile. It isn’t hard work but it does take paying attention to the big picture and to details to have a great marriage. God Bless You!

    • Mrs. Linda,

      I am so very sorry about your loss. That kind of dedication and love, I am certain is irreplaceable. I’m happy to hear you and your husband followed such simple things that kept you strong through the years!

      I’m glad to also see that you both left a legacy who will hopefully pass those some beliefs on to future generations!

  4. Oh I love this! When I saw the pin my initial reaction was “oh boy she’s going to be one of those girls who just got married and is still obsessed and in newlywed stage…” Haha. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover!! I love this because everything you say is so true. It’s not work until you let it become work. When it becomes hard it’s because one or both of you have stopped caring about the quality of your marriage. Well said!

    • Haili,

      Thank you for coming by and for your comment. I am very much out of the newlywed phase! Hahaha!

      My husband and I are very lucky that we are able to play together so much. If you heard us in public you would probably think we were on the way to divorce court, but we love to tease and harass each other. Even when we are doing things together that neither of us like we find ways to make it fun and enjoy our time together.

      Neither of us are perfect by any means, but we do try and be very grateful for each other!

  5. You have echoed my thoughts exactly! It is irritating and sad when people say that marriage is hard work. It is not appropriate to say to an engaged person, either.

    • Hello Traci,

      I am glad you agree! It really gets old hearing it from people day in and day out doesn’t it? It’s all over the place! Maybe it will change soon!

      Thank you for coming by and your comment! I like meeting new readers!

  6. This was great! I’m engaged and I hate it when people try to talk me out of it for no other purpose than “marriage is hard”. So rude. I think they should instead be saying “life is hard”.

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