I’ll be seeing you


I think the last email I sent you was “are you alive???!!!”   I found out today that joke between us is not so funny anymore.  I couldn’t let that be the last thing on my mind that I sent you.  I couldn’t let THAT be the finality to everything you are and were to me.  For four years you and I have talked about everything under the sun.  I’ve watched your son grow.  We’ve talked each other through annoyances and fights with our significant others.  We’ve laughed so many times over so many things and shared the kind of memories only true friends can share.  Luckily for the both of us, we were really good at taking a minute out of our days every once in a while to stop and say “Hey I love ya, you’re a great friend”.  I didn’t lose you and feel like you never knew how much you meant to me.  I don’t doubt for one second how much our friendship meant to you either.  I knew something was wrong when I didn’t hear from you.  I knew my JoNONathNON wouldn’t leave me hanging like that…it’s just not you.

What I didn’t tell you, perhaps because I didn’t know, was how big of a hole your death has left in my heart.  I never dreamed for one minute that our friendship would end like this.  I never dreamed that I would have to worry about your wife or your son because I know how much you loved them both and wouldn’t have ever left them.  I never thought when I met Beer Boy years ago in a damn video game that I would grow to care for you and your family as much as I have, but I can tell you I am so lucky for it and so blessed that you shared it with me.

I’ll never forget you singing to your dog on the toliet and the absolute mortification you had when I told you I heard it.  I’ll never forget how much you harassed me to sing back to you to “get over it”.  I’ll never be able to hear the song I’ll Be Seeing You again without thinking of you since I refused to sing it in person and left it on your voicemail.

I’ll be seeing you in all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces all day through
In that small cafe, the park across the way
The children’s carousel, the chestnut trees, the wishing well

I’ll be seeing you in every lovely summer’s day
In everything that’s light and gay
I’ll always think of you that way
I’ll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I’ll be looking at the moon
But I’ll be seeing you

I’ll find you in the mornin’ sun
And when the night is new
I’ll be looking at the moon
But I’ll be seeing you

That song will forever and always be our song to me.  You ingrained yourself so much in to my life that I doubt there will be a day that goes by that I don’t miss you. think of you, and wish or hope that just once…one time in my life I could have given you the biggest hug in the world for being such a wonderful person.  I know you know this…I know I told you a million times.

Tammy and I both sat together tonight and laughed and cried together.  She said “You know he was such a shit he’s probably sitting up there right now laughing at us for crying.”  I know you though, and I know you wouldn’t want to see us hurting or the pain your absence caused.  I know you would rather have heard about our trip to the daffodil festival last weekend and saw the pictures from it.  I know you would rather have heard me whine about getting a tick on me for the first time in 10 years rather than to have left any of us behind.  I know you would rather be at home fussing at Rebecca for not closing the cabinet doors and having Xander tell you that “You’re the best Dad EVER” again because it meant so much to you to hear him say it.

Rebecca is an amazing woman.  I can’t tell you how much it meant to me that she understood our friendship was online, but that we were important enough to each other that she didn’t email or text me…she asked me to call her.  She knew as only someone who has fallen in love online can know, that true friendships don’t have to be in person.  People can love each other for their souls rather than just their physical bodies.  It meant everything to me that she let me know because she knew our how important our friendship was.  I am so thankful that she let us be friends and let us be friends without jealousy or concern that we were anything other than friends.  It takes a very special woman to do that.  I loved it that she would make fun of us and call us dorks for being logged in to game and talking on the phone about the game.  You know what?  We were dorks.  It makes it all the more amazing that she was willing to share you in that way…or maybe I just saved her from your dorkiness….haha.  Maybe she should be thanking me….Double HA!

I can’t tell you goodbye…I just can’t because you will always be with me.  I’ll leave it at this.

JoNONathNON, I’ll be seeing you.

I love you,




Author: Jill Stewart

I am a 37 -year-old woman from Arkansas who is happily married to a Scottish immigrant aka “the hubby” “the hubs” or if I am calling him directly “YO YOU!” We’ve been married for 3 years and it’s been a crazy ride, and unfortunately our finances have been beat to death in the last few years. We have two dogs and a cat, no kids. The Blog- What’ll you find: Financial Information as we try to become debt free My attempts at working and trying to maintain a home to the standards I like My adventures in learning how to sew Arts and craft projects Funny tidbits from my life including living with a Scottish person, the dogs, and other oddball things that happen to me. What you won’t find: Much on children. I don’t have kids and I can’t have kids. Recipes- I don’t mind cooking, but unless it’s something really special, don’t come here looking for the weekly recipe! You won’t find it- unless you ask my husband. If you’re interested in what you see, please follow me on Facebook or sign up for emails! Most of all, leave a comment or ask a question! I am always happy to hear from you!

4 thoughts on “I’ll be seeing you

  1. what a wonderful write.

  2. I am sure he is watching, people may pass on but we all retain Memories and feelings that were part of that person and part of us. A connection…Loved the post…LOVED IT!* HugsLove Win

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