6 Comments

My two favorite quotes of the weekend…

#2

Don’t make me use the 5 fingered Bitch be cool tool on you….

OK yes yes it’s wrong, but still funny.  The guy who said it is one of those hard ass guys who would never really hit a woman.

Quote of the weekend:

I am NEVER going to get married.  I’m just going to find some bitch I don’t like and give her half my stuff.

Joe

Joe, you are hilarious.

 

 

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11 Comments

Yeast Infections- Watch out men! Non-fun Girl Bits Talk incoming.

There is just something plain wrong and rude about Doctors.  You go to see a Doctor because you’re sick right?  Something is wrong.  Let’s just say…because it is ABSOLUTELY NOT what happened to me…that you have been feeling unusually crappy for several months.  You’re tired all the time.  Your sinuses are bleeding, or so blocked up with snot you can’t breathe unless you blow mucus out through your ears to relieve pressure.  (Because we all know that when you’re like this and you blow into a tissue NOTHING COMES OUT!!!)  So, what do you do?

You call your friendly Primary Care Physician and ask for antibiotics for the sinus infection you know you have.  You get the prescription filled and a few days later you are all OMG THANK YOU I FEEL HUMAN AGAIN.

Then it happens.  You’re calmly sitting at work one day (and again this totally did not happen to me) and you get an itch.  You know…AN ITCH.  THERE.  In your girl bits.  Then you know it and you have a moment of silent cursing because it’s there.  YEAST INFECTION.  Thank you doctor for giving me something to take care of that in advance.  How I love you.  Especially when you specifically ask for something AS MILD AS POSSIBLE because antibiotics always cause havoc in your nether-regions. (This story is completely simulated and DID not happen to me!!!)

Unlike men who can walk around all day and adjust themselves or scratch in public, we women have to be a bit more discreet.  For those of you women out there, here are some tips I have picked up on solving this itch problem.

1.  Obviously get medication ASAP to start treating said infection.  Hope your Doc was nice enough to call in the pill form for you.  If not prepare to have leekage for at least 3 days.  Also hope this didn’t happen while you were already bleeding, or prepare to take out stock in the cotton market.

2.  Learn to do your kegels.  Sometimes a well placed kegel exercise will suffice as well as a good scratch.

3.  Learn to cross your legs and use your thighs to scratch that itch.  Hope your thighs aren’t too fat for this. /sigh

4.  Go to the bathroom in a public place with cheap crappy toilet paper.  Use it like sandpaper and scratch the ever living hell out of it all the while moaning OH GAWD YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS in the stall.  Laugh when it freaks everyone else out and they run away.

5.  Set your pubic hair on fire.  Hope that the burns are less annoying that the stupid, evil, never-ending itch.  If they aren’t, look at the bright side.  You won’t have to shave for a few days.

6. Eat Yogurt.  YEAH YEAH everyone says that.  However, to me eating yogurt is the equivalent of eating a bucket of snot, and if I am going to do that, I would rather eat the snot since I would be taking the antibiotics that would clear up a sinus infection anyway.  Please just give me a bucket full of day old fish water to drink.  It’s the same in my world.

*This is a public service announcement from me who has NEVER suffered from this in her life.  Please do not really set your pubic hair on fire.  While I would find it quite humorous, I don’t think anyone else would.  But then, I’m sick and twisted that way.  Oh and not that I would condone it at all, but if you are stupid enough to set your pubic hair on fire, please video it and put it on YouTube so the rest of us can laugh at you on a regular basis.  Think of the glory you would have as the “Pubic Hair Torch Person”  That is all.


7 Comments

My Brother…

He wore training pants and cowboy boots and the same time…

He cried when the cowboy boots had to be thrown away.

He had a blanket with satin he rubbed while sucking his fingers as a youngster.

He had a spiked haircut.

I knocked both of his front teeth out before he was 5.

He was a pain in the ass.

But today…

Today he becomes someone else’s pain in the ass.

Today he gets married.

Snuggle

It’s already making me all teary eyed.