The joys of using a public bathroom!

34 Comments

I have recently been reminded again how uncomfortable is it for everyone involved to have to use a public restroom.  My new office has over 200 employees.  Granted there are men working there, but I am going to guess that we women far outnumber the men.  There is one bathroom on our floor with four stalls in it.  It is absolutely hilarious to get in there and pay attention to what happens once someone enters the bathroom.  Here is a list:

The awkward “OH SHIT I ALMOST WALKED IN ON YOU” moment.  The person who does it is embarrassed, and of course the person who was almost walked in on suddenly has pissing stage fright.

The inevitable cough to cover the fart.  Why are women so ashamed to fart?  When you have gas you fart.  It happens.  Just fart for crying out loud.  Rip it out, OWN THAT BITCH, and be proud of it!

There is also the person who was in the bathroom before you…this person annoys me the most because you know they are pooping.  How?  Because they cough to cover the fart and no other noise comes out of their stall!  When I work with you, I don’t want to know you have pooped.  Poop at home or don’t come out until I am gone.  I might snicker and call you the Fiber Queeen behind your back.

Work poopers also inevitably cause peeing stage fright.  There you are both sitting there in silence, knowing that the pooper is squeezing the cheeks, while the pee person has stage fright.  So annoying.

Then there is the period woman.  Is there a reason why women in the bathroom have to sound like they are opening the biggest package on the damn planet?  It’s either a pad or a tampon.  It fits over/in your girly bits.  It cannot be so freaking big that is takes you ten damn minutes to open it.  Please keep your sanitary product noise down.  Cover it with a Poop cough, at least then I will be confused.

Last but certainly not least is the disappearing pooper.  Oh how I hate you.  You are the person who poops the most god awful, foul, rank smell on the planet, and you LEAVE the bathroom while I have peeing stage fright.  You are the person who makes me gag, and then runs away like a poop ninja.  You are the person who makes the next person who walks in loudly exclaim GOOD GOD.  Then the new person stares at me like “lady lay off the cabbage”.  I hate you for that.

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Author: Jill Stewart

I am a 37 -year-old woman from Arkansas who is happily married to a Scottish immigrant aka “the hubby” “the hubs” or if I am calling him directly “YO YOU!” We’ve been married for 3 years and it’s been a crazy ride, and unfortunately our finances have been beat to death in the last few years. We have two dogs and a cat, no kids. The Blog- What’ll you find: Financial Information as we try to become debt free My attempts at working and trying to maintain a home to the standards I like My adventures in learning how to sew Arts and craft projects Funny tidbits from my life including living with a Scottish person, the dogs, and other oddball things that happen to me. What you won’t find: Much on children. I don’t have kids and I can’t have kids. Recipes- I don’t mind cooking, but unless it’s something really special, don’t come here looking for the weekly recipe! You won’t find it- unless you ask my husband. If you’re interested in what you see, please follow me on Facebook or sign up for emails! Most of all, leave a comment or ask a question! I am always happy to hear from you!

34 thoughts on “The joys of using a public bathroom!

  1. absolutely hysterical, and that is just the ladies room……….

  2. The whole post thing caused me to laugh, but the best was the “period woman” paragraph. HAHAHAHAHA I can so relate to all you mentioned!

  3. I totally lost it at “poop ninja.”  Hot damn, woman, you are hilarious.You know what else I hate?  Awkward bathroom chatter.  You know, when you’re both out of the bathroom, at the sink.  “So….that was some meeting we had earlier.”  hehe

  4. Thank you for this – I work for a theatre, so I run into all of these people all the time when I am on break and there are guests using the bathroom. It made me laugh because it was SO TRUE. (And because we get at LEAST one poop ninja per shift, and always, always, always, the tampon ninja as well)

  5. Haha, I totally understand … I did a post about bathrooms a few months ago along these same lines. :ugh: http://weblog.xanga.com/BarelyJen/651200337/warning-this-post-may-contain-a-tmi-overload.html

  6. hahaha…this is just awesome!  what  a way to start my day!  you are just too funny.  but if you think the women have it bad….the guys bathroom is overly disgusting and at least one time uterly preverted.   maybe there should be a can of “oust” in your womens room. 

  7. Hysterical! Really! I have been stifling giggles at my PC and recieving strange looks from my co-workers.I love the period woman!Now what happens in a mens bathroom anyone?

  8. haha this post is so true. : D

  9. I am against all pooping ninjas of the world.

  10. Wow…I think…um….poop ninja?? LOL….that’s just….TMI…and why I don’t want to be the only rooster in the hen house.

  11. This is so funny but, true

  12. OMG! That was freaking hilarious! I laughed so hard while I was reading it and the poop ninja got the best of me. I can so relate with everything you said.

  13. I am trying so hard not to laugh since I’m in the library…I always feel horrible when I rip open my tampons/pads.  They have a tendency to echo and I can’t stand it!

  14. I was sitting on the toilet at work one time, and the person in the stall next to me let out the loudest, wettest fart I’ve ever heard. This caused me to laugh silently, yet hysterically. I had tears coming out of my eyes, and due to the sheer force of my laughter, I also had an extremely loud fart.

  15. OMG….I’m laughing so hard! Everyone is looking at me weird because the news caster is talking about how sweet, little old Estelle Getty died. Damn, I feel so irreverant, but I cannot stop laughing!!Michael

  16. Your are sooo funny.  I got a better trick…I just constantly flush.  I know I know…water shortage…but it is better than what else I have to offer. 

  17. This is so hilarious….and so true!My boys have told me some awfully funny mens room stories, but of course I’ve never experienced it myself… one time they told me some guy was taking a huge one, and was like moaning in what sounded like ecstasy as he relieved himself…they had to get out of there before they burst out in hysterical laughter.  We women have much more stage fright, I think.

  18. Poop Ninja!  The bane of all public restrooms!   I hate you!   I would have laughed my tail end off but when I got to the poop ninja part I was once again traumatized as if I were reliving that last public restroom experience when I was the victim of the poop ninja.  The ninja rushed out the door without washing her hands and left me to suffer from the wafting odors when suddenly there were new arrivals to the restroom.  Two women came in together and quickly made comments about the leavings of the ninja.  Then to my horror they discovered I was in a stall.  I couldn’t come out while they were there… I waited for them to leave and quickly made my exit.  I was totally devastated as I walked out of the restroom and the two ladies were standing at the very elevator I needed to use.  Yes, yes….they were discussing the bathroom odor and quickly turned to see who came out of the bathroom.  I walked around the corner and waited for them to take the elevator.  Once they were gone I made my escape from the building.  I’m not sure I’ll ever be right after that!  Poop Ninja, I really do hate you!

  19. hahaha Poop Ninja! lol I think there was one at my work today. Holy crud. It was my turn to check the bathroom to make sure it was in good order, but due to the horrendous “gas leak”, I “forgot” to do it until I went home. Now it is someone else’s situation. 

  20. LOL…this made my day.

  21. @The_Write_Girl – men’s bathrooms are free of the bulk of the drama of the women’s facilities you describe. People sometimes fart, but it’s the BATHROOM so it’s not that big a deal. And some people will say hi to others. Overall, smooth and painless…

  22. OMG! You are so funny…but…You know how I am in bathroom…total stage fright…wish I could be more like you and own my farts! HAHA

  23. I think we all get to experience those moments.  I am “fortunate” to have a bathroom connected to my office, however I learned NOT to let my employees use it…as the lingering fragrances can put a “damper” on the rest of my day!

  24. i know what you mean. the library where i work has disgusting restrooms. people don’t flush have the time or wash their hands or use germ killer. yeah their are people who will take huge dumps and stink up the whole restroom. and of course the person that uses all the toilet paper in one stall. and i always flush with my foot and wash my hands but that nasty doorknob, you have to use a paper towel or sleeve to open. i know what you mean though. public restrooms can be so freaking gross and dangerous. yeah and if gotta pass gas, do it and say something mannerly afterward. geez i do. hahaha! 

  25. this is so trueee!and there’s ALWAYS a line. yes.

  26. Funny, but I think that the last description just made me ill.

  27. Five stars and a recommendation. I loved this post. Absolutely hilarious.-CrazyKey123

  28. Oh my goodness that had me laughing like a loon!you know who also sucks? the over the toilet hover-er.  ew, I don’t want your piss on the toilet seat you pig…at least have the decency to wipe it off.

  29. I  carry a purse size Lysol and spray  after I am done,now because I spray,everyone knows that I just took a shit but at least it does not smell like it.

  30. @TheSecretLifeOfPandas – That is my biggest peeve too,it is absolutely revolting!

  31. MuahahahahahI try not to use public toilets if I can help it. I need my privacy.

  32. Pingback: My WordPress has been invaded by Xanga! | Mended Wheels

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