I have recently been reminded again how uncomfortable is it for everyone involved to have to use a public restroom. My new office has over 200 employees. Granted there are men working there, but I am going to guess that we women far outnumber the men. There is one bathroom on our floor with four stalls in it. It is absolutely hilarious to get in there and pay attention to what happens once someone enters the bathroom. Here is a list:
The awkward “OH SHIT I ALMOST WALKED IN ON YOU” moment. The person who does it is embarrassed, and of course the person who was almost walked in on suddenly has pissing stage fright.
The inevitable cough to cover the fart. Why are women so ashamed to fart? When you have gas you fart. It happens. Just fart for crying out loud. Rip it out, OWN THAT BITCH, and be proud of it!
There is also the person who was in the bathroom before you…this person annoys me the most because you know they are pooping. How? Because they cough to cover the fart and no other noise comes out of their stall! When I work with you, I don’t want to know you have pooped. Poop at home or don’t come out until I am gone. I might snicker and call you the Fiber Queeen behind your back.
Work poopers also inevitably cause peeing stage fright. There you are both sitting there in silence, knowing that the pooper is squeezing the cheeks, while the pee person has stage fright. So annoying.
Then there is the period woman. Is there a reason why women in the bathroom have to sound like they are opening the biggest package on the damn planet? It’s either a pad or a tampon. It fits over/in your girly bits. It cannot be so freaking big that is takes you ten damn minutes to open it. Please keep your sanitary product noise down. Cover it with a Poop cough, at least then I will be confused.
Last but certainly not least is the disappearing pooper. Oh how I hate you. You are the person who poops the most god awful, foul, rank smell on the planet, and you LEAVE the bathroom while I have peeing stage fright. You are the person who makes me gag, and then runs away like a poop ninja. You are the person who makes the next person who walks in loudly exclaim GOOD GOD. Then the new person stares at me like “lady lay off the cabbage”. I hate you for that.