I am not a person who enjoys horror movies, mostly because I find them quite hilarious. Oh…you ran up the stairs instead of out of the house and now you’ve been gutted? Smooth move idiot. Thank you for dying before you could breed. That is what natural selection is all about. I digress, few things in this world truly scare me.
They are freaky and most of the time they have some maniacal grin on their faces that makes you think they will sneak into your bedroom at night and kill you. They have hammers and pickaxes for crying out loud, it’s a little scary. There are no garden gnomes in my yard, but there is a collection of fairies.
But, the big one, the thing that honestly scares the ever living shit out of me is the wolf spider.
Do you see that? The dang things carry their babies around on their backs. (*starts itching all over just from looking at the photo*) YUCK YUCK YUCK. There is a good reason for this fear, and I am going to share that trauma with you.
Picture this scene. A 3 year old little girl, with her brown curly hair in pigtails. She’s riding her tricycle around in the house, and there is a sudden movement on the floor. The little girl sees a BIG spider. She knows her mom doesn’t like spiders, so like any good 3 year old who wants to protect her mother, what does she do? She runs over it with her tricycle. Then all hell breaks loose.
It would seem at the age of 3 I ran over a wolf spider. That means the babies were not too happy about their mother getting her ass squished by a tricycle, and they panicked and ran off of her. It looked like someone spilled a pepper shaker on the living room floor. If memory serves me correctly, I am pretty sure I literally screamed, ran, and climbed UP my mother’s leg.
Fast forward 22 years. I am on Drunk Neighbor Dave’s carport hanging out and talking with a few mutual buddies of ours. I am actually telling them this story about my 3 year old spider sadism when I see a spider tattoo on Dave’s ankle. I looked at him and asked if he let the kids put a temporary tattoo on him. He looked at me like I was stupid and then freaked out when I pointed to the LIVE spider on his leg.
I would have just laughed that one off, except someone found it amusing to hit the spider with a thrown shoe. Guess what happened?
I am sure no one has ever seen a fat chick run that fast across the street, into her house, who refused to come back over again.
I get PWNED by spiders!