PCOS- The humor and the heartache Part III


I read about PCOS.  I studied.  I delved into realms of fertility I thought no woman had ever heard of.  I read things I know men didn’t WANT to hear about; things like fertile mucus.  I charted my fertility patterns, or lack thereof, I cried, I prayed, and most of all I hoped.  I hoped that one day I would have that child that my husband and I wanted so bad.

I remember thinking to myself “Just one child.  That’s all I need.  Just one.  I am not being greedy, I just want one.”, but still that day never came.  I found myself looking into my past and being angry over not having a child before.  I found myself angry at the miscarriage I am 99% sure I had at 18 years old.  Even though the baby would have belonged to a complete jerk, I was so mad that I lost the one baby I could have had.  I know now that it was the best thing for me to not have a baby, but I was still resentful over loosing one.

I was pissed at the world and bitter as all get out.  Between people constantly asking me when I was going to have a baby, and watching other people around me have babies who didn’t want or appreciate them, I was livid.  I started resenting everyone I knew who had children.  I became bitter at other women who had one child, yet “whined” about not having a second, or third, or fifteenth.  Suddenly every woman out there who had a child was my enemy because that had something I couldn’t have.

Does this make sense?  Probably not, but at the least I can try to explain.  It’s something a woman has NO CONTROL over.  I didn’t have to be jealous of someone who became a lawyer or a doctor.  Why?  Because if I wanted to, I could go to law school or med school and be the same if not better as those other women out there.  There is no challenge out there that I cannot win if I want to win it.  No challenge except becoming a mother.

An average women has a 1 in 5 change in getting pregnant.  I would take those odds any day for a lottery, but when it comes to being pregnant, those odds are not good enough.  Not even on a good day.  Sure there are things out there a woman can do to try and help the process along, but even under all the right conditions, being fertile, having a fertile partner, and having the moon aligned with Venus on the second Thursday of a month with five Fridays, you still get a 20% chance to become pregnant.

At this point, I talked to my husband about it and decided that trying out fertility drugs to help with ovulation was the way to go.  I started taking a little white pill called Clomid that was supposed to make my life a lot easier.  Surely, this would fix it and I would have a child.  YAY!  I was giddy again at the prospect of becoming a mom.

I cursed and shook my fist at fate that I was due to ovulate while I would be on a trip to visit my brother who was in flight school.  However, that was the least of my problems.  I was swelling up like a 3 ton mac truck.  Oh yes, hahaha funny funny I was getting fat before I got pregnant.  How lovely is THAT medicine?!  I was already a bigger woman hence the PCOS in the first place, so I found it completely disturbing that I was gaining weight like a hog before a Hawaiian feast!  I wasn’t eating more food!  I was still on Weight Watchers to make sure I wasn’t gaining weight, but man the pounds piled on.  About three months into taking this miracle drug, I was 40 lbs heavier, had feet the size of cinder blocks, and a face that looked like the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man had permanently possessed my body.

I actually became concerned when my feet were so swollen they hurt to walk on them.  I called the doctors office and told them I was pretty sure something was wrong.  You could poke the top of my shin and it would leave an indention in my leg for about 30 minutes.  I KNEW this couldn’t be right.  I was told I was “eating too much salt”.  I thought to myself B.S.!  I don’t even like salt, so I started checking how much I was eating per day.  I was actually consuming LESS than the daily recommended amount by the FDA.  That was when I called back and threw a fit to see the doctor.

I walked in to have a visit with Mr. Internal Ultrasound, and sure enough he yanked me right off of those meds because they were not going to work for me.  He told me my next option:  $1,500 a month for shots.  Insurance wouldn’t pay for it.

– To be continued.


Author: Jill Stewart

I am a 37 -year-old woman from Arkansas who is happily married to a Scottish immigrant aka “the hubby” “the hubs” or if I am calling him directly “YO YOU!” We’ve been married for 3 years and it’s been a crazy ride, and unfortunately our finances have been beat to death in the last few years. We have two dogs and a cat, no kids. The Blog- What’ll you find: Financial Information as we try to become debt free My attempts at working and trying to maintain a home to the standards I like My adventures in learning how to sew Arts and craft projects Funny tidbits from my life including living with a Scottish person, the dogs, and other oddball things that happen to me. What you won’t find: Much on children. I don’t have kids and I can’t have kids. Recipes- I don’t mind cooking, but unless it’s something really special, don’t come here looking for the weekly recipe! You won’t find it- unless you ask my husband. If you’re interested in what you see, please follow me on Facebook or sign up for emails! Most of all, leave a comment or ask a question! I am always happy to hear from you!

9 thoughts on “PCOS- The humor and the heartache Part III

  1. It is hard for me to respond to this because I have 3 children- I cannot even begin to understand what  u are going through…
     Stories like yours make me feel sick, because there are women (and men) out there who kill, abuse or abandon  their babies.(I wish I could keep them all- every last one- and protect them…  )Seems like some kind of cruel irony, eh? My cousin couldnt have any kids so she adopted a baby. I know that its not quite  the same as having one of your own, but is that a possibility for u?

  2. @aj_mudd – Adoption is a possibility for me in the future, and one I look forward to one day.  I was actually checking out adoption laws in my state last night, and you have to be divorced for a year before you can adopt here, although you do not have to be re-married.
    Don’t feel sick about it.  I promise, it gets better for me and for those who are reading this.  I would say soon, but I have a lot more to go before it all gets better.  Six years worth of infertility gives you a lot to talk about!

  3. @aj_mudd – And OH!  I don’t begrudge women who have children now.  I am long over that phase, although I am ashamed to admit, it took a year or two to get past it.  Your children are particularly adorable 🙂

  4. Wow I sure can sympathize with reading everything in sight and checking mucus and all that stuff.
    I didn’t realize those meds caused weight gain!!!

  5. @newbie2005 – Glad you found your way here and posted for me.  For some reason, I missed your feedback over here! 😀
    I had no idea you worked for a fertility specialist.  Interesting!  I actually liked mine, but I haven’t been back tohis office since the visit about the Clomid.  Man oh MAN does it cause some serious weight gain.  I should find a picture and post a now and then segment just so you can see how gross it was.  I didn’t even really realize how bad it was until I looked back on some of those old pictures.

  6. Man, I have an appointment on April 4th and I’m pretty sure that Clomid will be the next step for us as well.. Now I’m scared shitless!  I am trying to lose weight, not gain the stuff!  I guess I will ask the doctor about it and tell him I’ll be back if I gain so much as a freakin’ pound.  I know the bitter feeling, but I just keep going to the edge and then reeling it back in.  I guess I still hope to have a child and I sure want people to be happy for me!

  7. @amandaarallen – Yeah that was the ironic thing about Clomid.  PCOS is not helped by being overweight, yet it makes you gain.  Not fun.  Mine was MOSTLY water retention though.  Just be careful with it and if your feet start swelling really bad and propping them up and such doesn’t get rid of it, don’t argue with the nurses, just set an appointment and go back to your doctor!  It can effect different people different ways though, so you might be fine!
    I haven’t completely given up on having a child, I just know it whatever way it happens it will be a long process.  I have been off the pill for 6 years, so you can imagine where I would be in a very different place than you!  Don’t let me get you down!  How long have you been trying?
    Oh no wait.  I am supposed to say this 😉 :
    Just wait!  It will happen!! or
    Calm down! or
    Give up and then you will get pregnant!

  8. Our new doctor doesn’t want to try any drastic measures until we reach the 2 year mark on trying – which is pretty frustrating since I needed clomid to have my first one. I am so sorry that you are going through so much, it’s not an easy process by any measure. My mother-in-law had my husband and then found out that his emergency c-section ruined her only working ovary – she tried for 8 years to have more children…and then adopted twins. It was 16 years after having my husband that she ended up pregnant by surprise – the doctors couldn’t explain what happened – I felt that it was a miracle sent by God. I think that all children are little miracles given to us to raise and to send out in the world. I know that whatever path you choose to become a parent will be a blessing. You will be in my prayers.

  9. @alexiah100 – Thank you very much for the sweet comments.  It is a rough thing to work through and I am glad to hear you were blessed with at least one little one!

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