There is was. Plain as day on a little 4 x 6 piece of paper. A string of pearls. These weren’t the kind of pearls that your grandma wore either. These were the kind that explained why I missed periods, but had failed pregnancy tests. These were the kind of pearls that started to shape my life as it is now. These were the kind that let me know that becoming a mother for me was not going to be an easy process.
I did what any good knowledge seeking self-possessed geek would do and starting researching information online. Yes, I had adult onset acne, yes, I was overweight, yes, I recently started missing some periods. This was not good. The internet confirmed everything my doctor told me. I found the website for the book and software called Taking Charge of Your Fertility www.tcoyf.com and I thought to myself WHEW someone will understand.
Those women on the forums at that site understood. OH BOY oh BOY did they understand! They knew more combined about fertility issues than most doctors. I was able to read thread after thread of stories and really delve in and learn about PCOS from a first hand viewpoint. I was able to connect with other women who were just like me and who were suffering in the exact same way. I was able to laugh and cry along with them, and never had I been around anyone who really understood what I was going through.
Now, I don’t mean to sound harsh when I say this, but I want to make it plain that this is a fact. If a person has never been through infertility issues, then they don’t understand it. They think they do. They can sympathize, but that’s about it. Now, if all they did was sympathize life would be a lot easier, because I tell you, some of that “sympathy” gets a little out of hand at times. Let me explain.
There comes a point in every marriage where society fully expects a married couple to have children. Apparently, in the Southern U.S. that is any point after a year into your marriage. Then notices are sent out to all family and friends, footnotes are added to party invitations, and it is suggested that people nag the crap out of you to have children. OK, fine. Southern Girls are pretty much primed in the womb that their place in life is to grow up, get married, and start popping out the kids. That’s great and fine and dandy…if you can have them.
So, you sit around and try to think of the easiest way to answer the “When are you going to have kids?” questions without having someone feel sorry for you, and without being rude. For the record, I always found it rude when people asked. Some of my common responses were:
When we are ready/feel like it/want to!
Why do you want to know?
When my ovaries stop being stingy and start letting go of some eggs.
Of course anytime you actually mentioned the fertility issues, then came the barrage of womanly advice from other on how to get pregnant:
Take your temperature (Like I wasn’t already doing this and didn’t know about it!!!!)
Just go get invitro. (Yup, I will run right out and drop the $15k+ it takes to do that….)
And my personal favorite two lines:
Just calm down and it will happen. (1. I am not stressed 2. Could you tell that to my ovaries)
I know so and so who had this exact same problem and one day she just got pregnant! If you just wait long enough it will happen.
Well, let me tell you something folks. Pregnancy is not something that “just happens” and when your body is screwed up calming down is not going to fix it either. There are a myriad of other options out there. None of which are just calming down! Women with PCOS know more about their disease/issue whatever you want to call it than most regular OB-GYN’s do! We love you, and we appreciate the advice, but when you have a ton of kids, you don’t know what we go through. Do us a favor ok?
Smile. Say you are sorry to hear it and you will keep your fingers crossed for us. Then go hug your own children, because they are precious, and not everyone else is lucky enough to have one when they want one.
To be continued-